3/15/2019

I haven't written for the past few days not because I don't have anything to write but because I've been pretty out of it. I cant even focus at work and now I'm sleeping with the TV because I cant fall asleep otherwise. I've cried from thinking of something simple about Stephen and that makes me feel really pathetic. I just can't seem to stop feeling guilty like I played a big part in him going crazy. It's not that he went crazy but I feel like he just got tired of dealing with my shit. Every time I think back on our relationship there is so much that I could have done differently to not upset him. For example, the night he wanted to watch the violent movie I could have simple not been petty and went to bed. I could have avoided the argument by one simple decision. I feel like I knew this but I just always made the wrong choice or choose the wrong words to say. Yes I will say that Stephen has anger issues but I can't sit here on my high horse and say I didn't do things that set him off. I cried when I thought about all the stuff we used to do together or the things that he did simply because I wanted him to. He didn't like parties and yet he went to Kennedy's party because I really wanted him to come. He hated crowds or parties but he went for me. He went to the park with me and we played tennis and football all because I wanted to. He would buy me Ice cream even if he didn't have money. When we broke up a few days later he bought me chicken and snacks because he knew I didn't have money for it and he didn't want me to be hungry. I just keep replaying all these moments in my mind and ask myself why the good times couldn't out weigh the bad times. Why couldn't we stick it out and become stronger with every argument. Why couldn't we learn from our mistakes instead of repeating them. Why couldn't I keep in mind the things I knew about Stephen in mind and use that knowledge when I choose my words and actions. He stayed with me even when I slept with someone else and completely destroyed our trust. He forgave me and I hadn't even asked him. Life would be so much easier if we could see the outcomes of decisions beforehand. I hate feeling like this and I hate knowing that he could be in pain right now and theirs nothing I can do for him. I can't help him and he can't help me. I will never be able to seek comfort from him or ask his opinion or get his help I will never be able to say I love you to him ever again. Hes going to hate me for the rest of his life and that's just something I'm going to have to accept. In the end I shouldn't want to see him or be friends with him but I do. I want him in my life and I have to accept the facts that he won't be.