Wow, like just wow. He's right in a way because this whole thing could have been avoided if I just left him the first time I said I was going to but didn't. I also in a way did harass him by driving to all his friends house to see where he was because he wouldn't answer any of my messages when we were fighting but it was more because I couldn't stand the idea of him being upset with me. He liked to draw things out and ignore me for hours. Me saying all this is me trying to justify my actions to then justify the way he felt about all the things we did to each other. Like he did this because I did that and in turn I did something else which then makes it okay because we both did something mean to each other. No that's not how a relationship goes or at least a happy healthy relationship. God even as I type this in the back of my mind i'm thinking about how much I miss him. Its simple I'm obsessed with someone who is very bad for me. Today also showed me that he clearly isn't sorry for anything that happened. I know him so well that as soon as he spoke I could hear the little chip in his voice. It's like this little cocky chip he gets when he's in a way proud of something that he did or in a situation where he feels proud of himself even if its something bad. I've heard that tone of voice before and I felt like I knew exactly what he was thinking as soon as he spoke. I wanted to look at him and see his eyes and see if they would talk to me but I didn't get to. I saw his back as he walked out and orange definelty makes him look a lot taller. God I wanted to fall to the ground and ask him to forgive me for putting him in jail and not to hate me. That makes me feel so weak the fact that I want him to forgive me for doing this to him even though he did it to himself and me. I didn't make him break into my house but then I think in a weird way maybe my actions caused him to do it. If I hadn't left him stranded on the side of the road maybe we would still be hanging out or trying to fix us. Im just so lost in how I'm suppose to feel. I want to rip my heart out and stomp all over it until im totally numb to all feelings and totally dead inside. Ironic right how he has numb and dead inside tattooed on him and thats exactly how i want to feel. Im just so confused so lost I just don't even know anymore.
okay im done for today i guess we'll talk more tomorrow about how mistakable i am.
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