Today I have thought of nothing else other than Stephen. How
is he doing? Is he mad at me? Will he reach out to me once he’s out? So many
questions and no one to answer them. I honestly wish I could stop talking about
it but it’s all that I can think about; all that I want to talk about. I hate
this so much. It’s like I'm reliving my life 7 years ago. Tomorrow I have the
injunction hearing and just thinking about it makes my heart race and my
stomach drop. What’s going to happen once I see him? That’s if he even shows
up. Apparently he can choose to not go but I hope he goes because I really want
to see him. Well I want to see him and then I don’t for the simple fact that I’m
determined to be strong and not change my mind but once I see his face I Know I’m
going to think about all our memories together and I’ll want him out I’ll want to
be in his arms again. Even I know that mentally I’m really messed up because I
can actually say I still want to be in his arms. He could have actually killed
me. Taken my life away for something small but yet I don't want to be comforted
by anyone else. How can it be that the person who hurt me is the only person
who can make me feel better? Ugh the human heart is so confusing. I want to
reach out to his family but I can’t for several reasons. One, if I talk to his
family or friends my family and friends will be mad. Mostly because I shouldn't
feel bad for them nor should I think that I owe them some kind of explanation
because I absolutely do not. I know this is true but I still feel bad and think
that they at least deserve to hear from me even if it’s to say that I will not
be dropping the charges and I will be going full force on Stephen. I just think
about if it was me that was in jail for something I did to Stephen I would want
someone to give my family an explanation instead of simply hearing nothing from
the other side. You know what I think is an issue to I’ve never really put
myself first. I have always put other people’s feelings and thoughts ahead of
mine and now that I’m in a situation where I need to come first and I can’t do it. Well
I can but god is it hard.
Okay I’m done for today there is too much I want to say and I’m
getting a headache
Bye
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