3/26/19

tomorrow is the day they tell Stephen what hes being charged for. I had two options 1. send him to prison or 2. give him 6 months in county jail and probation and he has to pay restitution for the damages. People want me to send him to prison but I know my heart couldn't handle that.I don't even think he deserves to go to prison. everyone makes mistakes and I'm hoping he has learned from everything that has happen. If he hasn't and he makes the same mistake again it honestly isn't my problem. I did what I could for him and once this whole thing is over its just not my problem anymore.

3/16/2019

You used to wrap yourself in fairy tales like a blanket but it was the cold you loved. Sharp shivers as you uncovered the corpses of Bluebeard’s wives. Sweeter goose bumps as Prince Charming slid one glass slipper over your little toes, a perfect fit. But by the schoolyard, real princesses floated by you on fall winds. You saw the gulf between you and the rich girls and vowed to stop believing in fairy tales but the stories were in you, deep as poison. If Prince Charming was real, if he could save you, you needed to be saved from the unfairness of everything, when would he come? The answer was a cruel shrug in a hundred fleeting moments. The sneer on Stevie Smith’s face when he called you a fat cow. Uncle Jeff’s hand squeezing your ass in the Thanksgiving Kitchen. The accusation in your father’s eyes when you told him what happened. From every boy masquerading as a man that you let into your body, your heart, you learned you didn’t have whatever magic turns a beast into a prince. You surrounded yourself with the girls you’d always resented, hoping to share their power, and you hated yourself. And that diminished you even more. And then, right when you thought you might just disappear, he saw you. And you knew, somewhere deep, it was too good to be true. But you let yourself be swept, because he was the first strong enough to lift you. Now, in his castle, you understand Prince Charming and Bluebeard are the same man. And you don’t get a happy end unless you love both of him. Didn’t you want this? To be loved? Didn’t you want him to crown you? Didn’t you ask for it? Didn’t you ask for it? Didn’t you ask for it? So say you can live like this. Say you love him, say thank you, say anything but the truth."

3/15/2019

I haven't written for the past few days not because I don't have anything to write but because I've been pretty out of it. I cant even focus at work and now I'm sleeping with the TV because I cant fall asleep otherwise. I've cried from thinking of something simple about Stephen and that makes me feel really pathetic. I just can't seem to stop feeling guilty like I played a big part in him going crazy. It's not that he went crazy but I feel like he just got tired of dealing with my shit. Every time I think back on our relationship there is so much that I could have done differently to not upset him. For example, the night he wanted to watch the violent movie I could have simple not been petty and went to bed. I could have avoided the argument by one simple decision. I feel like I knew this but I just always made the wrong choice or choose the wrong words to say. Yes I will say that Stephen has anger issues but I can't sit here on my high horse and say I didn't do things that set him off. I cried when I thought about all the stuff we used to do together or the things that he did simply because I wanted him to. He didn't like parties and yet he went to Kennedy's party because I really wanted him to come. He hated crowds or parties but he went for me. He went to the park with me and we played tennis and football all because I wanted to. He would buy me Ice cream even if he didn't have money. When we broke up a few days later he bought me chicken and snacks because he knew I didn't have money for it and he didn't want me to be hungry. I just keep replaying all these moments in my mind and ask myself why the good times couldn't out weigh the bad times. Why couldn't we stick it out and become stronger with every argument. Why couldn't we learn from our mistakes instead of repeating them. Why couldn't I keep in mind the things I knew about Stephen in mind and use that knowledge when I choose my words and actions. He stayed with me even when I slept with someone else and completely destroyed our trust. He forgave me and I hadn't even asked him. Life would be so much easier if we could see the outcomes of decisions beforehand. I hate feeling like this and I hate knowing that he could be in pain right now and theirs nothing I can do for him. I can't help him and he can't help me. I will never be able to seek comfort from him or ask his opinion or get his help I will never be able to say I love you to him ever again. Hes going to hate me for the rest of his life and that's just something I'm going to have to accept. In the end I shouldn't want to see him or be friends with him but I do. I want him in my life and I have to accept the facts that he won't be.

3/12/2019

Realizing that someone doesn't care the way you wanted them to is not a good feeling. Today at the injunction hearing I said what I said and Stephen said what he did. I cant stop thinking about what he said it went something like "Rachael would block me but then still seek me out by harassing me and my friends or I would block her and she would again seek me out by continuing to harass me and my friends calling me 40 times etc. she had time to leave the relationship."

Wow, like just wow. He's right in a way because this whole thing could have been avoided if I just left him the first time I said I was going to but didn't. I also in a way did harass him by driving to all his friends house to see where he was because he wouldn't answer any of my messages when we were fighting but it was more because I couldn't stand the idea of him being upset with me. He liked to draw things out and ignore me for hours. Me saying all this is me trying to justify my actions to then justify the way he felt about all the things we did to each other. Like he did this because I did that and in turn I did something else which then makes it okay because we both did something mean to each other. No that's not how a relationship goes or at least a happy healthy relationship. God even as I type this in the back of my mind i'm thinking about how much I miss him. Its simple I'm obsessed with someone who is very bad for me. Today also showed me that he clearly isn't sorry for anything that happened. I know him so well that as soon as he spoke I could hear the little chip in his voice. It's like this little cocky chip he gets when he's in a way proud of something that he did or in a situation where he feels proud of himself even if its something bad. I've heard that tone of voice before and I felt like I knew exactly what he was thinking as soon as he spoke. I wanted to look at him and see his eyes and see if they would talk to me but I didn't get to. I saw his back as he walked out and orange definelty makes him look a lot taller. God I wanted to fall to the ground and ask him to forgive me for putting him in jail and not to hate me. That makes me feel so weak the fact that I want him to forgive me for doing this to him even though he did it to himself and me. I didn't make him break into my house but then I think in a weird way maybe my actions caused him to do it. If I hadn't left him stranded on the side of the road maybe we would still be hanging out or trying to fix us. Im just so lost in how I'm suppose to feel. I want to rip my heart out and stomp all over it until im totally numb to all feelings and totally dead inside. Ironic right how he has numb and dead inside tattooed on him and thats exactly how i want to feel. Im just so confused so lost I just don't even know anymore.

okay im done for today i guess we'll talk more tomorrow about how mistakable i am.

3/11/2019

Today I have thought of nothing else other than Stephen. How is he doing? Is he mad at me? Will he reach out to me once he’s out? So many questions and no one to answer them. I honestly wish I could stop talking about it but it’s all that I can think about; all that I want to talk about. I hate this so much. It’s like I'm reliving my life 7 years ago. Tomorrow I have the injunction hearing and just thinking about it makes my heart race and my stomach drop. What’s going to happen once I see him? That’s if he even shows up. Apparently he can choose to not go but I hope he goes because I really want to see him. Well I want to see him and then I don’t for the simple fact that I’m determined to be strong and not change my mind but once I see his face I Know I’m going to think about all our memories together and I’ll want him out I’ll want to be in his arms again. Even I know that mentally I’m really messed up because I can actually say I still want to be in his arms. He could have actually killed me. Taken my life away for something small but yet I don't want to be comforted by anyone else. How can it be that the person who hurt me is the only person who can make me feel better? Ugh the human heart is so confusing. I want to reach out to his family but I can’t for several reasons. One, if I talk to his family or friends my family and friends will be mad. Mostly because I shouldn't feel bad for them nor should I think that I owe them some kind of explanation because I absolutely do not. I know this is true but I still feel bad and think that they at least deserve to hear from me even if it’s to say that I will not be dropping the charges and I will be going full force on Stephen. I just think about if it was me that was in jail for something I did to Stephen I would want someone to give my family an explanation instead of simply hearing nothing from the other side. You know what I think is an issue to I’ve never really put myself first. I have always put other people’s feelings and thoughts ahead of mine and now that I’m in a situation where I need to come first and I can’t do it. Well I can but god is it hard.

Okay I’m done for today there is too much I want to say and I’m getting a headache

Bye